On The Daile

this weekend was great. i didn’t do anything i “should” have done, but in the end it was exactly what i needed. monday night after the beach i met up with sam and chad in the city for a margarita and mind provoking conversation. we get deep. no shallow weather type shit. the main topic was love - in every aspect. lies, truths, definitions, everything. one question was if we’ve ever been in love. i thought long and hard… maybe, but not reciprocated love. unrequited, i think so. was it my own fault? probably. i think i guard myself with iron bricks so i won’t get hurt or won’t lose anyone that i really want to keep around. the ones i do fall for end up being even more emotionally unavailable than i am. is it self preservation that i find these men and decide they are the ones i crack the wall for knowing that they will only be the ones to help build it back up? maybe. who knows. i painted this tonight thinking about my love. i painted different colors, scratched it out, used different fonts, erased it, muted it, sized it. then i painted the words in white. pure, kind of like what i think my love would be once i find that person that will reciprocate it. super fucked up and far from perfect, but maybe that’s what love really is in the rawest form.